I've got whiplash, and a lot of bruising.
It was on thursday, or even early friday morning I guess.
I'm still not sure how to feel about it.
I'm still a little in shock,
and riding in cars gives me panic attacks.
Your immediate thought when you hear about a car crash,
is; "is everyone okay?"
The answer is Yes.
It was just me and Steff,
and we've both just got bruises.
But as for the car,
all I can really say is that the car was really intimate with the pole.
I'm honestly really surprised we walked out of that crash.
I've never seen a car that bad,
even after the crash that killed Ians dad.
I'm really glad for that though.
I couldn't bear losing my sister.
Not now, not ever.
The first thing I did after the crash was scream for her,
to make sure she was okay.
Thinking about it now, I'm surprised at my reaction time.
I've finally stopped shaking, but my heart is still racing.
I'm still in shock, I know that for sure.
But I'm really glad that I got my lip peirced yesterday.
I was thinking about cancelling my appointment after the crash,
but I'm really glad I didn't.
I think it's a good distraction for me right now.
So instead of thinking about slowing my breathing so my chest doesn't hurt,
I'm thinking about how I'm going to eat, or drink,
or what my parents will say.
I guess how I feel about this whole thing is that,
I'm so fucking glad we were wearing seatbelts,
and that nothing was too serious.
I couldn't live without my sister.

Calendar for the next few weeks.

October 12 - Work, 5-9
October 13 - Work, 9:30-5:30, Parents go to Mexico
October 13 - November 6 - Uncle visits/trying to stay as far away from the house as possible.
October 15 - Work, 5-8 [staff meeting]
October 18 - Work, 5-9/no sleeping
October 19 - No school/NIGHTMAREBEFORECHRISTMAS 3-D HITS CANADA. <33
October 20 - Steffs house, PARTAY.
October 21 - Work, 10-5:30
October 26 - Halloween Party at Steffs. [ADAMS BEING A GORILLA <3]
October 30 - Preparations for Halloween/Party.
October 31 - HALLOWEEN/PARTY/STOKEDNESS.

SO.
I've started Photography class, and I obviously suck.
But if anyone wants to see the terrible photo's I'll be taking,
you can see them here;
[link]

The site isn't fully operational yet, so bear with me.

run away until I'm anywhere but here,
breathe in, [breathe out]
can you hear, when I'm calling your name?
so afraid, and tired of running away,
I'm not alone [I'm ready for this fight]
your turn to run [you won't make it through the night]
I'm not afraid of you anymore [can you feel me breathing down your neck?]

I've been thinking a lot again. I know it may not be the best idea, but I've been seriously thinking about my life and how I could've avoided so many things. I'm wishing I built my walls a little higher, and little stronger, and maybe things wouldn't hurt so much. I wish I had said the things I needed to say, and I wish I wasn't so careless with things that meant so much to me. I dont know. I don't like where my life is heading. I hate the path it's already taken. it's almost fall, and that's driving me crazy. I like the colours of fall, and I love the snow of winter, but it seems that something always goes wrong in the fall. since my grandfather is living with us, I have the worst feeling that he'll pass away this fall. I've always wanted him to be able to come to my grad, but I dont think it'll happen.

My thoughts are so jumbled that I think I'm losing my mind. I hate looking back on the things I've done, and the things that could've been avoided. I wish I stayed in touch with my friends, now it seems I dont have any. I miss being able to sit at the beach in the rain with Mike, now he seems to far away. I miss being able to lean on Erik, he was my rock. I know that right now, through all this that has happened in the past month, I need to be strong and independent, but I'm going crazy. I miss Van. I know he's always only two hours away, but he never felt so far away.

I dont know whats wrong with me this time. truly, I have no idea.
I need someone to cuddle with...

Well jesus christ I'm not scared to die.
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after:
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?
Do I divide and pull apart?
'Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

Nick leaves tonight. I kind of feel like that's the one thing I'm most concerned about at this moment. Even with the things that have happened in the last few days, right now, that's all I can think about. I lost Ians promise ring on thursday, and my grandfather went into the hospital because he's been going crazy. I'm leaving on friday, to go to Cambodia, and when I get back, it's straight into surgery. When I told Nick today, what was really wrong with me, and he cried. I don't think I've ever seen someone so perfect cry like that. before he had to go to the ferry, he hugged me and said that he was scared that if he let me go, he would never see me again. Everytime I think of him saying that, I just burst out into tears. I wish I wasn't sick, not only for me, but for everyone around me. I hate to sound concieted but, I know that it'll effect people, and I hate to put that hurt on people. I don't want them to feel that pain, I don't want to make anyone suffer because of me. My whole work knows now too, and it kills me whenever I go in there. It's like everyone looks at me and just wants to cry. I miss Nick already. I think him visiting made me realize that I'm not completely numb, and that I am capable of having something good happen for me. I like the feeling that he gave me. Like it was alright for me to be the way I am, for me to be happy. Everytime I was with him, it felt like a movie, like one of those lame tear-jerkers, and I liked it. I'm trying so hard to be positive about this, but lately, with everything happening, it's awfully hard. I would think a new hair cut, and new hair dye would make me feel even a little bit better, but it doesn't.

I'm scared. I really am. I want my life. I want to make something of myself. I know I can do better. All these years of people telling me I'm better than I think, its starting to sink in. Goddamnit, I need to be remembered.